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Christina's Journal  I have no money, and no job.. thanks to the fascist tyrants at the Firkin and Kegler. Fuck you and your biometric scanning. I will not fall into line... at least not yet. On a more party note: WOO!!! SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!! Current mood:  moody.
Another dream... I was in Luke's old room in the Galbi house. I was reading his suicide note on the computer again, as I'd obsessively been doing the past few days following his passing. Only this time, for some reason, the entry came with a webcam recording of what Luke was doing when he wrote it. I studied it, and at first, I could barely see him, and then he came into focus, and he was looking right at me. His face was serious at first, but soon changed into a very silly and Luke-like grin. It was almost like he was trying to make me laugh. I looked to the side, where a window had appeared in the wall, and there he was again on the other side. Upon making eye contact, he leaped through and tackled me, in the same excited manner we always hugged... I talked to Luke's father, today. I was nervous about talking to him all this time, because I did not want to cause his parents more pain. But, I'm glad I did... it was nice having another connection to Luke, however small... I have an interview with a crisis prevention hotline on Tuesday. I really hope that I get the job- maybe I could actually make a difference more worthwhile than making sure coffee is still hot when it gets to a table. Wish me luck. Current mood:  indescribable.
So, the other night, I dreamed that Luke was hanging out back in the house in Galbi. He said: "Yeah, I'm sad that I died too, but I'm gonna try to get over it, so that I can help you guys through it." It's weird... I've always prided myself in being able to deal with pretty much anything. For some reason, though, I just can't get over this. I thought I'd feel so much better than this by now; not because Luke didn't mean a lot to me (he meant so fucking much, and I'm pissed at myself for not calling him more), but because that is who I am. I really have no idea what to do with this. And I just want to know if those around me are feeling the same. At first, I couldn't cry. When I finally did, I thought, "okay, things are gonna get better now- I cried." But, I find myself crying every day since it has happened. I dream about him, still, and I wake up thinking, "Luke is dead." I had to force myself to stop reading his suicide note. I've read nearly all his entries since he moved into Galbi... I guess I just really don't want him to be gone. I mean he moved back to Arizona, but I knew he would come back and regale us with more stories, and that I would go to Arizona, and he would show me his house and desert parties... I guess, what I want to know is.... is this normal? Am I supposed to feel better yet? Current mood:  tired.
happy birthday to me... If you must say hurtful things to me, please come to me with what you have to say openly. That way, perhaps we can work something out. Life is too short for bullshit, and far too cruel to be mean to one another. "The dead man must desperately resist the dictates of reason, as we understand it, and give up the supremacy of egohood, regarded by reason as sacrosanct. What this means in practice is complete capitulation to the objective powers of the psyche, with all that this entails; a kind of symbological death, corresponding to the Judgement of the Dead in the Sidpa Bardo. It means the end of all conscious, rational, morally responsible conduct of life, and a voluntary surrender to what the Bardo Thodol calls "karmic illusion." Karmic illusion springs from belief in a visionary world of an extremely irrational nature, which neither accords with nor derives from our rational judgments but is the exclusive product of uninhibited imagination. It is sheer dream or "fantasy," and every well-meaning person will instantly caution us against it; nor indeed can one see at first sight what is the difference between fantasies of this kind and the phantasmagoria of a lunatic. Very often only a slight abaissement du niveau mental is needed to unleash this world of illusion. The terror and darkness of this moment has its equivalent in the experiences described in the opening sections of the Sidpa Bardo. But the contents of this Bardo also reveal the archetypes, the karmic images which appear first in their terrifying form. The Chonyid state is equivalent to a deliberately induced psychosis. . . ." -Carl Jung The true test is at hand. I will be back Wednesday, in some form at least. That is if the chupacabra doesn't get me. CHAOS Current music: Tool "Third Eye". Sometimes I wish I didn't know how the trick was done. But I suppose I'd prefer to be the magician over the rabbit. Unless I had rabies. Then I'd bite the magician. I'm no fucking tool. Current mood:  amused.Current music: Marilyn Manson "Deformogaphy". My journey starts today. Yes, I thought about it. Yes, I know it's risky, but I'm taking precautions. I feel compelled to do it for some odd reason. However, I do realize that the exercises I will be doing can ultimately change my personality, which I guess is the point, but I don't want anything worthwhile to be destroyed. I've made lists of what I hope to accomplish, and am still working on a list of parts of me that I like and want to keep. This is where I need your help. Could you take just a little time and tell me any traits you would be sad to see go? I will essentially be breaking down my psyche, so I want to be careful with it. I'm taking baby steps, so I can pull out if things get too nuts, but I intend on following this through. I'm tired of only seeing glimpses, tired of feeling something more but not fully getting to explore it. I want to see better the place I go when I just let myself drift. I think I'll find answers there. So, that said, whether you agree with my actions or not, I would really appreciate you giving me feedback on this matter. Thank you, my friends! Current mood:  thoughtful.Current music: The Doors "Break on Through". I'm changing. I must create over what has ben destroyed, and perhaps destroy more so that I can create more. I've been increasingly introspective and I've been thinking- in the end, none of you motherfuckers are gonna be around. There's just me- and that's the only great truth that has proven to be real in my mind. I spent two days in my closet, writing on the walls and contemplating my life. I wrote on the outside- I live inside my closet. And that is essentially what I have done- moved inside my closet. I'm moving more of me in there each day. And taking notes... only they're disorganized and writen every which place... but it will all make sense...eventually. I'm finding all of this increasingly frusterating and I'd rather not worry about it anymore. I need to do some remodeling, somehow sort out what I want and dont want. I need to destroy everything and put it all back together. If I dont do it to myself, how will I ever create anything worthwhile? http://www.envf.port.ac.uk/illustra P.S. Fuck you. Current mood:  high.Current music: Mindless Self Indulgence "Played". I have discovered John Lurie. I like him. You can check out his work at PS1 or just go to this site: http://www.johnlurieart.com/art/ Oh and if you want to see some truly AMAZING art, you MUST see this: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fu Oh and if you really like the art, leave the artist a comment saying why. Support the arts! Current mood:  artistic.Current music: Marilyn Manson "Wrapped in Plastic". |
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